The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
You are the jesus of drinking
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
