my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
