you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
