dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
