i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
