I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
