Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Randomize
