You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
