First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Randomize
