if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
