I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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