Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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