I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
