my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
