I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
