She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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