Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
