found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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