I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
