Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
