Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
