Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
