My hand turned me down
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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