Don't make out with my wife yet
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
