I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
