My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
