Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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