I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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