The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
