Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
