The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
