I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
