i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
