you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
