i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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