Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
