turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
