Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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