Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
