Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
