I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
