So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
