How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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