Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
