apparently the secret to your success is patron
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
