I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
