I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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