Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
