New low: just hacked my moms facebook
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
