I should be sponsored by Trojan
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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