I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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