We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
This beer is not sobering me up at all
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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