this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
