There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
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