My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
